Johnny English, Classified
by Chocfan
Summary: Blunder prone spy Johnny English and his co worker Tucker are hot on the heels of an eccentric Scottish multi millionaire who has been leaking deadly rumours which are almost true about MI-7 on his blog. But what are his motives? And just who is "Nessie" and "Chrissie"? All will be revealed... Characters from the excellent Johnny English movie franchise which I don't own.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: I hope you enjoy this Johnny English story. At the time of writing I believe this could possibly be the first standalone Johnny English story on the site. Enjoy!**

**Johnny English, Classified Chapter One**

Scotland, country roads

The now distinguished Johnny English sat in his car's extremely comfortable tan leather seats which were handcrafted from only the finest materials the world could offer. The car he was in was a majestic and powerful Aston Martin Vanquish which had a bellowing and fast V12 engine producing over 500 horsepower and 0-62 in just a few seconds as well as a silver paint job. To the left sat Tucker, English's rather more intelligent partner in crime. Johnny was driving in the Scottish highlands along some quiet country roads.

The atmosphere was silent and the rain was pouring down heavily. The engine purred quietly, only the squeaking of wipers hinted at real noise. Suddenly, English spoke, breaking the almost silent moment.

"Well Tucker," English said with a rather smug grin on his face. "I think you'll agree that this is the most splendidly opulent and sporty car ever driven since Hitler's convertible."

"Yes sir." Tucker said blankly, with a slight pause before the "Yes."

"It's a nice car indeed," he continued "Not your first Aston Martin is it Johnny?"

"Indeed Tucker, although I have to say, even with my modest mind, I feel more cunning than a wolf who has graduated into sheep's clothing from the University of Cambridge."

There was a pause.

"Of course, this is because I got fitted the most exquisite of touches that makes mere mortals fly out of the car in amazement."

He pulled the slot which had the cup holder symbol which turned upwards revealing a chrome toggle switch; below it in small capitals "EJECT PASSANGER SEAT".

"Ah... yes." Tucker said admiringly with his mouth open in surprise. "Very... handy if say you're with a villain hiding in an underwater lair perhaps, and you want to dispose of him."

"Yes, quite." English spoke in his usual posh voice. Before he could continue the satellite navigation system spoke without emotion in an English feminine voice "You have reached your destination."

The car pulled up outside a vast concreted area, which had a large drive through tunnel leading to a medium interior building. "We have been led to believe that a dastardly fiend and mutli millionaire called Andre Trevelyan has been setting up a secret operation spreading dangerous rumours about the great organization I work with. For instance he said that a million pounds of taxpayer's money was spent on equipping my new Aston Martin Vanquish with the latest spy gadgets and equipment. Not true!" he exclaimed wagging his finger in the air furiously.

"We only spent £999,995 on equipping that vehicle we're in now. Not even close." He remarked with a disgusted look on his face.

"This all started of course, when MI7 were sent an email from a blog saying that they would continue to spread more "nasty truths" about our organisation. The mailer revealed their address which is here far away, here in the Scottish countryside. We believed their deadly and VERY dangerous. We can tell it's a man because there's even a detailed photo of him on his profile. Trevelyan here we come. Oh, and he's actually a rather rich man too. Won the lottery, netting hundreds of millions of pounds and now, perhaps this is what he's been up to."

Tucker nodded, suddenly staring at English. "Johnny, I've been thinking. There is a drive through entrance which presumably leads cars into the headquarters. However if we do that, we'll probably be falling into their trap. So, why don't we look for another point of access like a covered ventilation shaft or something?"

"Tucker," English spoke gleefully, "For not the first time, you have come up with a clever idea. Why you're almost as cunning and as clever as me."

"Thank you sir," Tucker beamed with a large smile on his face.

"I think it's time for us to get out and explore this place." He continued with a serious tone.

"Oh, and before I forget you David, arrest the fiends behind this operation." Johnny turned his head, reminding someone looming in the background.

English turned to a fully uniformed, broad shouldered and bearded policeman in the back of the gleaming Aston Martin Vanquish. He had said very little, but just nodded solemnly.

Suddenly he talked in a cough ridden voice. "Well Johnny, with the recent attacks on MI6 you can never be too careful."

He then coughed lightly, covering his mouth.

"Yes," English replied. "But this man hopefully isn't a shaggy haired blonde bomber with a score to settle. Remember the blog had this address on it, so it's obvious that a remote location would play to their advantage. But they might not have suspected us bringing handcuffs. And of course, we will help neutralise them with these gobstoppers, which I'll explain later."

Johnny pulled out of his pocket a small, seemingly harmless looking bag of cheap Irresistible Gobstoppers. The slogan "Now with flavour!" dominated the packet and showed a smiling old man in a coloured suit and a bowler hat with a grey moustache giving the thumbs up, before he rashly stuffed them into his grey suit's white shirt.

"You wait outside the car. I will guarantee we'll have our villain ready to handcuff." Boasted English with a confident tone.

Johnny then turned the car around opposite to the direction he came in, before parking the car on the roadside and switching the motor off. Both spies and the policeman proceeded to get out of the car. The rain had stopped and while there were many puddles on the ground, the sky was now slightly less gloomy.

As soon as all three investigators were out of the car, they all proceeded to stand a fair distance from the building.

English then turned to his fellow spy, and out of his suit pocket he pulled a seemingly innocent navy coloured writing pen with chrome tips.

"Right Tucker. As you can see here, this is a pen. But not just any pen. It's come from MI6's Q branch which MI7 worked with, to create this small but potent piece of spying technology."

He pushed the pen's button down, but instead of a pen coming out, a tiny light flashed and a large 3D X-Ray style beam with neon blue lines scanned the area as English pointed it around the building. He then aimed it at the ventilation cover which according to the pen led to the building's water closet.

"Bingo." He smiled triumphantly. "You see, it gives you a 3D scan of the insides of any building or object. Tucker, over there."

Both spies proceeded to walk over to the ventilation cover which was held together by screws. English then pulled out another pen, only this time one with the top of a screwdriver and motorised when you pushed the button in. It made light work of the cover which was then pulled off by English. The vent was fairly wide and large once you got inside and after crawling stealthily through it past the fans they came to the end where a rusting and weak looking cover was in place above an enclosed toilet.

"Push it Tucker." whispered English as quietly as he could.

Tucker pushed the cover and there was a loud grinding noise, before the heavy lump of metal fell. There was a large bang and the sound of someone falling face forward into the toilet seat, before a nasty splash erupted.

"Oh, cack." English mumbled with a face of shock.

Tucker and English then carefully crawled out of the vent aligning themselves along the water closets thin walls and carefully climbing down onto the toilet before going back onto the ground. They then looked morbidly at the unconscious body. The man had been wearing a white lab coat, was slim, maybe in his twenties and had a large mop of curly brown hair. He also had a goatee and once turned over, a badge with the name Bob.

"Sorry, Bob." whispered English. Tucker looked on respectfully. English and Tucker after some whispering and checking that the room was empty then heaved the body until it was in a sitting position on the toilet seat.

"There," said English with a satisfactory grin. "Bob will come back around to things in a few hours."

They then darted out of the toilet and walked along the narrow corridor. Along the way they saw many large, open rooms still under construction.

"Very sparse, many of these rooms. Still under construction." Tucker mumbled along with English, who was also carefully analysing the area. What were all these rooms for anyway? Maybe the builders were off today. It was a Saturday after all, but for Johnny and Tucker duty calls especially when the matter is of urgency.

Then Johnny's eyes darted to a room with the gold plated badge saying A. Trevelyan, The Big Man gleaming on the chipped retro wooden door.

"Well Tucker? This is our man, if he's inside? Should we?" whispered English as he and Tucker dashed stealthily over to the door.

Tucker nodded with a serious expression before speaking out with "Yes, let's go inside." Quietly.

They entered casually, English first, with Tucker following.

What a room it was. It was a fairly small office but was very nicely decorated with a high riding black leather executives chair, an, aluminium table with a sleek and glossy white laptop which had a picture of the Scottish flag covering the brand name. In the chair, sat a broad shouldered middle aged man with a beer belly and a white suit jacket contrasting with a stretched blue T-shirt saying "Fly" on it. He was fairly short in stature, and was absorbed in his laptop until English coughed politely: "Ahem."

He looked up with an emotionless face, staring into the depths of Johnny's eyes, not noticing Tucker beside him.

"The name's English. Johnny English. Master spy and Monopoly genius. Oh, and this is my co worker and fellow MI-7 employee Tucker." Said Johnny smoothly.

"Oh, hello Mr English. I got mae wee chance teh call you Johnny eh sir? Ma names Ailbert" blurted the Scotsman.

"Yes... Anyway we believe you have been posting deadly secrets, I mean rumours about M-I7 online on your blog. And we aren't happy." English responded in his best serious voice.

"Weel, I've a bit of a chip oan mah shoolder. Ye see things haven't bin the same since the oul government confiscated mah weapons of mass destruction." Replied Ailbert.

Tears then started streaming uncontrollably down Ailbert's face, over his red cheeks. He reached for a tissue while English and Tucker looked on in amazement.

Ailbert then pushed back his tall leather chair and walked over to a filing cabinet, pulling out a drawer with a photo album which he then brought over to the table. He proceeded to open up the aged brown album which had the title "My Precious" engrained on the cover. He walked over between Tucker and Johnny who had both bent down to see the photos.

Ailbert pulled back the cover of the album onto the first page and sniffed before pointing to the top photograph.

"This was my first warhead. I called her Nessie. I knew she was the one for me as soon as the..."

He then broke back into tears and wails of pain, with his hand covering his mouth.

"It's ok." English patted his back solemnly before nodding to Tucker who then pointed to the photo below of another seemingly identical warhead also painted white.

"And this warhead is?" questioned Tucker in a friendly way.

"This one's Chrissie. I miss her and all ma other warheads. They are my pretties." Replied Ailbert, sad at his loss and at reaching for another tissue.

Johnny and Tucker both sat in deep thought. So his name _isn't_ Andre for a start...Clearly they may be here for a while...


	2. Chapter 2

Johnny English, Classified Chapter Two

Ailbert got his tissue and blew his nose with it before throwing it into Johnny's face, much to Johnny's bemusement.

Ailbert's tear ridden face with red checks and bald head looked sweatier than ever but soon he spoke in a quiet, calm tone. A wily smile lit up his face.

"Would ya like some haggis 'n mushee peas English n' yer friend?"

Johnny quipped."You know Ailbert, ever since I have got here and examined your appearance, I think the last thing I would want is to eat _your _food. You disgust me. One word: Awful."

Ailbert's tone then became even more friendly. "Ya know Johnnie, you should try ma food. The meals are 5 for £1 from Iceland and made from only the highest quality ingredients. I know that because the box told me."

"Yes..." said English in thought. He ruffled in his pocket for that packet of Irresistible Gobstoppers from earlier, before pulling them out and winking at Tucker. The timing had to be right...

Ailbert went into a coughing phase, coughing all over the place without covering his mouth.

English reached out to him with the sweet packet. "Say Ailbert, I know we are going to have your _delicious_ meal in a few minutes, but why don't you sooth that nasty cough with a lovely gobstopper.

Ailbert coughed all over the packet without consideration, before pulling out a round light blue gobstopper and throwing it into his chomping mouth. He made a loud chewing noise.

English once again showed his massively smug face.

"Well, Ailbert, you have been the victim of one of my organisation's best inventions: the Mind Controlling Gobstopper. It's simply a masterpiece." He boasted, making movements with his hands. There was a pause.

"You see, it has been proven that once it touches the tongue, the brain signals are confused and temporarily reprogrammed into a hypnotic state for 24 hours to be under the orders of master spies and interrogators such as myself and Tucker for 24 hours."

"Now," he spoke clearly and with great relish." Follow me and Tucker to the car. You will get in the back seat once the front seat is lifted. Oh, and bring your laptop. That should come in handy."

Ailbert instantly obeyed, running to the laptop before carrying it under his arm and then proceeding to loyally follow English and Tucker.

All three people came out of the building and were greeted by David the policeman.

"Well David, we've got our man here." Spoke Johnny with great delight.

"There's another man unconscious inside, but he'll recover. We'll fetch him in a minute and radio MI-7 and police to investigate this shocking area."

"That's great. Well done Johnny and Tucker." David smiled.

"Oh, don't thank us; thank these rather delicious looking Gobstoppers. Actually," Johnny continued grinning "I think I'll have one."

"No, no no!" exclaimed Tucker quickly. "Johnny those are...!"

Before Tucker could finish his sentence, Johnny swallowed a yellow gobstopper before bowing to Tucker.

"Now, master" he said to Tucker in a monotone voice "What do you want me to do?"

Tucker looked confused and shocked. "I'd love to drive you, David and our two villains home Johnny but the problem is, I can't drive!"

Ailbert blurted out "Ya can take ma motor. She's a real beauty, a 1978 Morris Marina. She's prone to breakdowns but she'll get us to ar destination eventually."

"Oh and fetch Bob before ya go."

The End

**Author's note: I was inspired to come up with Ailbert, the not at all mad Scot when I thought about the best spy movies Johnny English often parodies. They all seem to have a very memorable villian and I put together some features and unusual characteristics together to create Ailbert who I wanted to make as memorable as possible as good villians often stick in the mind. I hope you enjoyed the story and would really enjoy reading any reviews you might leave :)**


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